As I've already done some interviews for various forums on the internet regarding the background to both my self and my art, I figured a simple way to include that same sort of information here for those who have not had the opportunity to find out yet where I and my work come from would be to add some extracts from what I have had published elsewhere here.
These are some extracts from an interview in late 2009 whose focus was the background to my work in "photo-manipulation". This is also the first time I ever explained the conceptual grounding that underlies all my serious work.
How long have you been into art and photography?
Funny how such an apparently simple question can have so so many different answers… From a child I was often told I was ‘good at art’, whatever was meant by that at the time… though, the concept of pursuing ‘art’ as a career was just such a huge no-no in my family – something respectable like doctor or engineer was the go… Well – I sure didn’t make it to doctor or engineer much to some people’s disappointment. At around about 20 years of age, I did attempt a photography subject at college – one 3hr class per week for a year. Have to admit, I remember pretty well nothing of what I learnt there other than the fact that I must have really liked it, as I managed to actually set up a ‘darkroom’ in a cupboard at home with second-hand enlarger etc….
But – that couldn’t last either. I did, though, get involved in ceramics. I set up my own studio and exhibited and sold work through galleries. I managed to make enough money to pay for the business, but not for profit so I found myself forced to spend all my time making what would sell, with no time, money or strength left for creativity. That ended as a result of a quite serious hip injury in my mid-twenties, and I was no longer able to manage the heavy physical work required. Ceramics is an extremely different medium to photography, but I do feel those years gave me a good grounding in sense of form, at least.
But – that couldn’t last either. I did, though, get involved in ceramics. I set up my own studio and exhibited and sold work through galleries. I managed to make enough money to pay for the business, but not for profit so I found myself forced to spend all my time making what would sell, with no time, money or strength left for creativity. That ended as a result of a quite serious hip injury in my mid-twenties, and I was no longer able to manage the heavy physical work required. Ceramics is an extremely different medium to photography, but I do feel those years gave me a good grounding in sense of form, at least.
So, really, I truly only ‘got into art and photography’ in July 2009 when, on inheriting a bit of money, I was finally able to buy myself a decent camera… and, as I was able to spend all my time (when not too unwell or needing to look after the needs of my children) on photography for pleasure – not need for profit. It all just took off from the
How did you learn?
I had been ‘nagging’ my partner to get us a better internet service for some time – we still had super slow dial up. My main motivation was actually my children’s needs – my daughter especially, being older, was finding it more and more necessary to access online info at home for her school work.
Then, after I got my camera, I started my obsessive ‘learning all about this’ mode (I’ve been told that that’s just my personal style – if I do anything – I just get so so totally into it that nothing else in the world exists….)
First, I bought tons and tons of photography magazines and read all I could, to the point that they all started to seem quite repetitive, to be honest… Then, our new and faster internet arrived. So, I started searching Google for sites on photography.
Though – it took me about 4 months (until January this year) of browsing to finally work up the nerve to join an art community on the net myself.
People around me were saying I had ‘a good eye for a photo’ but well…. I was so totally unsure of myself and my ability compared to all I saw there. I was really, really scared to put my work ‘out there’ in such company.
Then, after I got my camera, I started my obsessive ‘learning all about this’ mode (I’ve been told that that’s just my personal style – if I do anything – I just get so so totally into it that nothing else in the world exists….)
First, I bought tons and tons of photography magazines and read all I could, to the point that they all started to seem quite repetitive, to be honest… Then, our new and faster internet arrived. So, I started searching Google for sites on photography.
Though – it took me about 4 months (until January this year) of browsing to finally work up the nerve to join an art community on the net myself.
People around me were saying I had ‘a good eye for a photo’ but well…. I was so totally unsure of myself and my ability compared to all I saw there. I was really, really scared to put my work ‘out there’ in such company.
Since then it's largely been a process of trying to understand how I actually create my work. I've come to realise that the most important part for me is actually in deciding WHAT, in fact, to photograph. Then, after I have obtained hundreds and hundreds of shots of WHAT it is, then it's a matter of trial and error, and clicking on ever more and more commands in PS to work out how best to combine various images to create the overall effect I am after.
How has the internet affected you and your art?
Enormously!!!!! Never before in my life have I had the ‘space’ to be able to start to express my SELF truly creatively, and I was not at all aware that I was really capable of this at all!
I began posting my work on the net at a point in my photography where I think I was able to take a pretty decent photo of some ‘thing’ – macros of dandelions and water, as well as my pet snakes and candids of my children being my favourite subjects. So, those were the type of images I posted. Amazingly (and luckily) I received a few positive comments pretty well straight away! I am so grateful to those people who just happened to be around then and made me feel so welcome, and I count them amongst my good friends now.
Then began a gradual (and amazingly fast) progression that I had never dreamed of. The more recognition my work received, the more competent I felt I got in my photography, the more confident I felt also in my SELF, and the more ‘driven’ I also felt to learn more techniques and skills to be able to express more and more of this burgeoning new ‘sense of self’ of mine in my work.
So – I started looking for and browsing ever more of the more ‘photo manipulation type’ themed groups, more of the ‘alternative, darker arts’ themed groups. And – I learnt as I went! I started attempting to create effects in PS similar to some of those I saw other artists using. Some people very helpfully would add all the info re how they had created an image in the description box of their work. A few artists were generous enough to respond positively and explain when I plucked up the nerve to ask them specifically how they had done things.
It has been a strangely parallel process. As I clicked on ever more and more commands that I found in PS to see what happened (and the ‘edit – undo’ to repair what I had just stuffed up), I became gradually more and more confident in beginning to address the feelings and experiences I had inside ME in my work.
Is there a particular aspect of the internet that you love the most?
This is a tough one, but I think it has to lead on directly from my previous answer – that I had found on the net a community of like-minded people, all brought together in one place through a love of creativity and art. I would never have had the nerve to join any ‘random’ site with no such cohesive core to it’s membership.
I had spent the previous 7-8 years as pretty much a recluse in my own house, attempting to address all the pains and fears of my childhood, so that I would NOT pass that legacy on to my own children. I had – for most of this time – been too afraid to venture out into public.
This is still very difficult for me, and these limitations also, in their own way, helped define the style of photography I gravitated towards.
So – it is the friends I have made, our ‘connecting’ through discovering we have maybe similar ‘creative minds’ that I really value the most… as I never really had any REAL FRIENDS before. My upbringing was not conducive to learning to trust other people.
I had spent the previous 7-8 years as pretty much a recluse in my own house, attempting to address all the pains and fears of my childhood, so that I would NOT pass that legacy on to my own children. I had – for most of this time – been too afraid to venture out into public.
This is still very difficult for me, and these limitations also, in their own way, helped define the style of photography I gravitated towards.
So – it is the friends I have made, our ‘connecting’ through discovering we have maybe similar ‘creative minds’ that I really value the most… as I never really had any REAL FRIENDS before. My upbringing was not conducive to learning to trust other people.
Who have been your biggest creative influences?
Honestly – I don’t really know. Certainly no ‘famous artists’ of the past, I have far too little knowledge of them and their work. If I look back to my pre internet efforts though, I would have to say my daughter, as she decided that she desperately wanted a camera before I did. And, it was her earlier interest and the fun she had photographing things that rekindled in me my old interest in photography, and motivated me to finally spend some money on what I wanted for myself. Namely – my camera.
And, more recently, my son – who often comes in and has a look at what I am working on on my computer screen and says “hey, that looks pretty cool, Mum!” I just feel so so good inside when he does that :)))
And, more recently, my son – who often comes in and has a look at what I am working on on my computer screen and says “hey, that looks pretty cool, Mum!” I just feel so so good inside when he does that :)))
Have there been particular life events that influence your art?
Most definitely. The serious work I create now comes directly from my ‘self’, from my feelings, emotions and experiences that I remember and draw on to attempt to convey a sense of what they may be like…
So – all this work is very centrally grounded in the overall concept of child abuse.
So – all this work is very centrally grounded in the overall concept of child abuse.
This is the environment I grew up in, so it has influenced very much how I have or have not developed as a person and artist, and who I am as a person and artist in my self now.
I also studied and worked as a social worker, a little later as an academic in that field. I have several post-grad degrees and my PhD scholarship is still sitting there for me to use if I want (which I don’t).
So, infant and child attachment and development, how this should happen and how incredibly damaged this process may be by trauma, the many and varied psychiatric conditions that may have their origins in a history of childhood trauma, how even the neuronal structure of the brain and other biological parts of the body – even to the genome we are born with – can be damaged and ALTERED by severe trauma, these are all things that I know extremely well. Both from personal experience and from later academic study and professional practice.
I also studied and worked as a social worker, a little later as an academic in that field. I have several post-grad degrees and my PhD scholarship is still sitting there for me to use if I want (which I don’t).
So, infant and child attachment and development, how this should happen and how incredibly damaged this process may be by trauma, the many and varied psychiatric conditions that may have their origins in a history of childhood trauma, how even the neuronal structure of the brain and other biological parts of the body – even to the genome we are born with – can be damaged and ALTERED by severe trauma, these are all things that I know extremely well. Both from personal experience and from later academic study and professional practice.
So, much of my work, and pretty near all my photo manipulated work, is an attempt to convey the concept or sense of what a particular feeling or experience of an abused child may be like.
For me – this is an incredibly important subject for an artist – it is an incredibly important subject for all of society. It is still far, far too unrecognised, and I truly believe that it is only by putting this issue ‘out there’, by making it so blatantly obvious that it is far, far too common in ALL aspects of society, that anything constructive will ever be able to be done to better protect the children growing up all around us.
For me – this is an incredibly important subject for an artist – it is an incredibly important subject for all of society. It is still far, far too unrecognised, and I truly believe that it is only by putting this issue ‘out there’, by making it so blatantly obvious that it is far, far too common in ALL aspects of society, that anything constructive will ever be able to be done to better protect the children growing up all around us.
So – I think I can answer here in one also :
What subject inspires you the most?
What subject inspires you the most?
It is all my knowledge and experience, both professional and personal, of the many issues, feelings, emotions and behaviours central to the experience of the abused child. This, for me is not really just an ‘inspiration’ – I’d also call it an ‘obsessive drive’.
How do you find your way out of a creative slump?
O – tough! This whole process is so new still, that I have no ‘tried and true’ methods yet. I’ve actively switched lenses and gone out and shot something totally different to what I was doing before, I’ve trawled through older, at the time ‘not well enough’ processed images in case maybe now one of them will catch my eye and with my improved skills suddenly I will be able to see something new and worthwhile in it, I’ve browsed art sites on the net that have nothing at all to do with the kind of work I do – like landscapes, or forests – to simply look at images that make me feel good for a change, I’ve stopped my ‘serious’ work and gone out and shot pretty macros of dewdrops on grass – stuff that is really just FUN.
Once or twice I’ve given up totally (for a day or 2) and snuggled down with my kids to watch Pirates of the Caribbean or Australia or Lord of the Rings on my big computer screen cuddled up together in my big bed and forgotten that I have any responsibilities at all (well – almost).
Once or twice I’ve given up totally (for a day or 2) and snuggled down with my kids to watch Pirates of the Caribbean or Australia or Lord of the Rings on my big computer screen cuddled up together in my big bed and forgotten that I have any responsibilities at all (well – almost).
How would you describe your personal style of art?
OK – have to own up – I haven’t a clue really… probably the only description I could come up with is the central aim I have for all my work – and that is to create something ‘emotive’. Something that will hopefully convey a sense of a deep emotion or feeling, or at least make people stop, and think that there may be more to this than immediately meets the eye.
I try, as well as I am able, to make every photo shoot for this type of work I do ‘real’. In that – I actively remember, and re-feel, what the experience really was at the time. I am sure there is a difference in impact in an image of someone REALLY experiencing something, and a model ‘posing’ for the same thing. So – and as I have not managed to find anyone willing and able to model for me – I’m stuck with the only ‘body’ I have available to shoot – mine. And – I am most certainly NOT a gorgeous, photogenic and slim 19 year old (much as I might like to be!).
So – my ‘style’ of photo manipulation has been most definitely influenced by these limitations – of how to AESTHETICALLY (because I believe that is essential for a ‘good’ artwork that is able to engage the viewer) convey a sense of feeling or emotion – which requires a human image – when the only ‘human’ I have available to photograph – AND who knows these feeling for real – is not really the most photogenic around.
I try, as well as I am able, to make every photo shoot for this type of work I do ‘real’. In that – I actively remember, and re-feel, what the experience really was at the time. I am sure there is a difference in impact in an image of someone REALLY experiencing something, and a model ‘posing’ for the same thing. So – and as I have not managed to find anyone willing and able to model for me – I’m stuck with the only ‘body’ I have available to shoot – mine. And – I am most certainly NOT a gorgeous, photogenic and slim 19 year old (much as I might like to be!).
So – my ‘style’ of photo manipulation has been most definitely influenced by these limitations – of how to AESTHETICALLY (because I believe that is essential for a ‘good’ artwork that is able to engage the viewer) convey a sense of feeling or emotion – which requires a human image – when the only ‘human’ I have available to photograph – AND who knows these feeling for real – is not really the most photogenic around.
What equipment / software do you use? Do you have an equipment / software wish list?
Camera – Sony Alpha 350
Lenses – Tokina 19-35mm f3.5-4.5 Lens
Sony 50mm f1.4 Lens.
Sony 100mm f2.8 Macro Lens
12mm, 20mm and 36mm Extension Tubes
The 2 kit lenses that came with my camera I pretty well don’t use at all any more as their quality drives me crazy (Sony 17-55mm & 55-200mm Lenses). So – I currently in effect don’t have a telephoto lens, as that is the kind of lens that my current style of work needs least, and I can’t afford to update that one to one with good enough optics – and yes, I’ve searched ebay and everywhere I can think of :(((
I also occasionally use my Lensbaby Composer.
Then, Tripod with remote shutter release
Wireless Remote Shutter release
Grey Card for indoor / studio exposure
UV and Polarising Filters for all my lenses
Lenses – Tokina 19-35mm f3.5-4.5 Lens
Sony 50mm f1.4 Lens.
Sony 100mm f2.8 Macro Lens
12mm, 20mm and 36mm Extension Tubes
The 2 kit lenses that came with my camera I pretty well don’t use at all any more as their quality drives me crazy (Sony 17-55mm & 55-200mm Lenses). So – I currently in effect don’t have a telephoto lens, as that is the kind of lens that my current style of work needs least, and I can’t afford to update that one to one with good enough optics – and yes, I’ve searched ebay and everywhere I can think of :(((
I also occasionally use my Lensbaby Composer.
Then, Tripod with remote shutter release
Wireless Remote Shutter release
Grey Card for indoor / studio exposure
UV and Polarising Filters for all my lenses
I work on a 27” iMac with maximum memory and everything possible (including Snow Leopard) installed, have 3TB, 750GB of back-up hard drive space, and just recently have managed to get myself organised to start backing up all my finished work to disk as well.
When I first started, I was under the misapprehension that iPhoto would be fine to meet all my post-processing needs (I don’t think I even knew the term ‘post-processing’ back then!). Well, didn’t take me long to find out that was WAY wrong, and a couple of months before I took the jump to start showing my work on the internet I bought (with the use of my long time unused but valid student card for my PhD) a student version of PS6 for Mac (lots cheaper than without the student proof bit)! I have since updated to CS5 Extended.
And – a wish list….
The telephoto lens (anyone have a spare $1750 lying around you could do without?) – though preferably several, and a really good wide-angle lens (or even better - several prime wide-angles).
The telephoto lens (anyone have a spare $1750 lying around you could do without?) – though preferably several, and a really good wide-angle lens (or even better - several prime wide-angles).
Then – ND and ND grad filters…..
Those are the real ‘basics’…. but what I REALLY dream about is a proper (preferably warehouse sized, though I’m not going to get that bit) photography studio, with BIG windows, light boxes, strobes, off-camera flashes, plenty of reflectors, backgrounds, tons of stuff lying around for really cool ‘set and costume’ use…. O wow – that would be amazing!
A dream would be the Sony Alpha 850 camera body… (ok – when I’m super rich and famous).
Computer wise – I LOVE my iMac. So, no real issues there.
Then – enough money to fund another solo show in a really prominent space and take my work international… is that enough????
Do you have any favourite software tools that you just can’t do without?
I think that the most essential and fundamental part of the software that I use that there is NO WAY I could do without, now that I have pretty well figured out how to use them is – LAYERS!!! So basic – it’s really what the whole of Photoshop is based on, and it’s the best and most useful thing since (I own up – I don’t know who did it) someone worked out how to print light onto photosensitive paper… Other than that – as I mentioned before – “edit – undo” ;)))
I’m sure there are still so many commands in PS that I haven’t even found yet. I work them out as I need them.
I’m sure there are still so many commands in PS that I haven’t even found yet. I work them out as I need them.
What advice do you have for those artists just starting to explore software manipulation?
See all the above.
No, seriously, firstly, don’t let anyone intimidate you that ‘software manipulation’ is in any way a ‘lesser’ or less valid form of photography than using darkroom chemicals. It’s not. Manipulating pixels is just another means of processing images captured on the sensor of your camera. And – especially after having spent nearly 10 years working with the poisonous chemicals necessary in creating your own ceramic glazes – it has the wonderful advantage of not being harmful to your health! All the best photographers ever ‘post-processed’ to obtain THE IMAGE that was ‘good enough’ for them. Photo manipulation is just another word for ‘post-processing’.
No, seriously, firstly, don’t let anyone intimidate you that ‘software manipulation’ is in any way a ‘lesser’ or less valid form of photography than using darkroom chemicals. It’s not. Manipulating pixels is just another means of processing images captured on the sensor of your camera. And – especially after having spent nearly 10 years working with the poisonous chemicals necessary in creating your own ceramic glazes – it has the wonderful advantage of not being harmful to your health! All the best photographers ever ‘post-processed’ to obtain THE IMAGE that was ‘good enough’ for them. Photo manipulation is just another word for ‘post-processing’.
Secondly – see above. Put up your work, invite constructive criticism, put your work ‘out there’ for more serious critique – remember – the ‘critique’ is of THE IMAGE – not YOU. All those experts out there really ARE nice human beings who DO actually remember that they were beginners once too and are extremely generous with answering any question you may throw at them!
Try out for real all the suggestions that everyone else tells you will improve your image and then – do exactly as YOU like the best in the end.
Try out for real all the suggestions that everyone else tells you will improve your image and then – do exactly as YOU like the best in the end.
And finally – keep shooting thousands and thousands of images… the possibilities for ‘combining or manipulating’ them into who knows what will just hit you one day… but not unless you have the images there to start with.
Where do you see you and your art in 5 years?
Now – that is a REALLY scary question….. 1 year ago I would NEVER in my wildest dreams have imagined I would be here, where I am now, doing what I do now in the way that I do. I have only just in the past few weeks for the first time had some of my images properly, professionally printed to ‘fine art’ quality…… I will be exhibiting 3 of my works in a show for the first time in November.
If I look back and count the dates – a year ago I had not even found a place for photography on the internet yet, and by November, when I will have my first works on the wall of a gallery, it will be just about a year since I first found art on the net and started browsing, far, far too intimidated by all the amazing work here to even consider joining!
I have dreams, yes, now that this remarkable ride I have been on this past year is actually continuing, but I don’t really dare, yet, to imagine that they could become reality…
In 5 years time I will also most likely have to face the reality of having to once again become the financial provider for my family. I have a career I hope to be ‘well enough’ to return to, though now – I would rather not have to do that.
Could I ever dream of managing to provide for my family through my art? I don’t really dare dream that yet.
If I look back and count the dates – a year ago I had not even found a place for photography on the internet yet, and by November, when I will have my first works on the wall of a gallery, it will be just about a year since I first found art on the net and started browsing, far, far too intimidated by all the amazing work here to even consider joining!
I have dreams, yes, now that this remarkable ride I have been on this past year is actually continuing, but I don’t really dare, yet, to imagine that they could become reality…
In 5 years time I will also most likely have to face the reality of having to once again become the financial provider for my family. I have a career I hope to be ‘well enough’ to return to, though now – I would rather not have to do that.
Could I ever dream of managing to provide for my family through my art? I don’t really dare dream that yet.
Some of my favourite images (as at late 1990) :
1) Just… A Hand:
This is one of my earlier photo composite images, and still one of the most dear to me. I ‘saw’ this image in my mind – it was like seeing a ‘picture’ of how I had felt recently. Since this time, this is how I find the ‘form’ of most of my work – I kind of ‘see what a feeling looks like’ in my mind.
This is one of my earlier photo composite images, and still one of the most dear to me. I ‘saw’ this image in my mind – it was like seeing a ‘picture’ of how I had felt recently. Since this time, this is how I find the ‘form’ of most of my work – I kind of ‘see what a feeling looks like’ in my mind.
I had this sense of having been in a bottomless black pit, but just one arm could be desperately trying to reach out of the depths of that pit and maybe, just maybe, there might be a tiny touch of light out there for that arm to reach for…
I was very surprised as I made this, as I was still so new to the techniques of PS, but somehow, this image just came together extremely easily! it just – almost without even thinking about what I was doing – worked. Until extremely recently, this was also my most faved image in my portfolio here…
And – it actually came out pretty much exactly as I saw it in my mind.
I was very surprised as I made this, as I was still so new to the techniques of PS, but somehow, this image just came together extremely easily! it just – almost without even thinking about what I was doing – worked. Until extremely recently, this was also my most faved image in my portfolio here…
And – it actually came out pretty much exactly as I saw it in my mind.
2) But Nobody Ever Saw Me:
This image is one from a series which was my first attempt at putting a little ‘more of me’ in front of the camera than just and arm or a hand (or feet lol)... In that – it was a HUGE step in my development, as a photographer and artist, but most especially in my confidence in my self in those roles… Even though in the images I am pretty much hidden behind the curtain and only my arm shows, I was actually terrified as I took the shots! Though – I was also alone in the house and nobody else was around to see.
This image is one from a series which was my first attempt at putting a little ‘more of me’ in front of the camera than just and arm or a hand (or feet lol)... In that – it was a HUGE step in my development, as a photographer and artist, but most especially in my confidence in my self in those roles… Even though in the images I am pretty much hidden behind the curtain and only my arm shows, I was actually terrified as I took the shots! Though – I was also alone in the house and nobody else was around to see.
The title, I think, reflects pretty well the ‘state’ I had been living in pretty well all my life. No abused child is ever ‘seen or appreciated’ for who they truly are… they are only used as an object to fulfil the needs and wants of their abusers.
I have found that I am unable to create an image of a ‘state’ that I am actually in at the time. The feelings are too powerful and I am unable to really ‘create’ at all. What I can do, is remember what something felt like, and ‘see the feeling or state’ – after I have come out of it myself.
So, for me this series was a huge leap in my confidence and ease with me and my self as me. Though I was creating an image of the state of not being seen, I am sure I was only able to do it because I was starting to sense that I was beginning to be seen, for the first time ever in my life, for the true me.
The texture images used in these images are from the same ones I used in “Just… A Hand”.
I have found that I am unable to create an image of a ‘state’ that I am actually in at the time. The feelings are too powerful and I am unable to really ‘create’ at all. What I can do, is remember what something felt like, and ‘see the feeling or state’ – after I have come out of it myself.
So, for me this series was a huge leap in my confidence and ease with me and my self as me. Though I was creating an image of the state of not being seen, I am sure I was only able to do it because I was starting to sense that I was beginning to be seen, for the first time ever in my life, for the true me.
The texture images used in these images are from the same ones I used in “Just… A Hand”.
3) Control: Embodied No.1:
These are the first 2 images of one of my more recent series, and I also think it is one of my best to date. The theme of Control is one that is absolutely central to the life of any abused child. Everything for such a child centres around the issue of ‘control’.
These are the first 2 images of one of my more recent series, and I also think it is one of my best to date. The theme of Control is one that is absolutely central to the life of any abused child. Everything for such a child centres around the issue of ‘control’.
The child must constantly control their own emotions and feelings to attempt to not ‘upset’ their abusers, to try to keep them happy so that they will not provoke another episode of abuse. In doing so – they are also attempting to ‘control’ their abusers to keep themselves ‘safe’ – though to control another (especially for a child to control an adult) is not possible. Then – the abuser is constantly ‘controlling’ the child. Mainly through fear, even if not blatantly at that moment – the child is always living in fear that abuse will occur again (and it always does). And, of course, there is the blatant ‘control’ exerted through physical violence, force and the deliberate infliction of pain.
I hope that all the images in this series allow the viewer to find many varied interpretations of the particular type of ‘Control’ they can sense through each particular image.
By the time I made this series, I had collected quite a vast collection of texture images. I began this work by adding the same 2 textures to each image from the shoot that seemed to have some kind of potential (about 60 out of the over 400 I took) to give the series a sense of cohesion – though I blended the textures differently to suit each particular image. From there, I would select one at a time, as an image would catch my eye particularly, and then I would continue to process that image with maybe more textures, colour fill, photo filters and many varied blending modes – totally specific to each image.
5) The Sense of Self: Substance No.3:
These images are from my latest series which is similar in theme to the earlier one that included “But Nobody Ever Saw Me”.
It is again addressing the sense that an abused child can not have a cohesive ‘sense of self’ as they have not been provided with a safe environment to allow that to grow and flower… Instead, they are constantly having to hide their true ‘self’ from their abusers so that it may not be too badly hurt…
But, this series goes further in attempting to convey the sense that not having a ‘cohesive sense of self’ can also result in a feeling of not being sure that one even exists. A numb-like sense of nothingness, of not ‘being in this world’. Sometimes people describe it as being like there is a curtain between themselves and everyone else in the world, and they cannot be sure that others can even see them. Or, of looking at the world around them as if from the far end of a long, long tunnel. It is this sense of ‘being or not’, of ‘existing or not’, that I have attempted to convey in this series.
It is again addressing the sense that an abused child can not have a cohesive ‘sense of self’ as they have not been provided with a safe environment to allow that to grow and flower… Instead, they are constantly having to hide their true ‘self’ from their abusers so that it may not be too badly hurt…
But, this series goes further in attempting to convey the sense that not having a ‘cohesive sense of self’ can also result in a feeling of not being sure that one even exists. A numb-like sense of nothingness, of not ‘being in this world’. Sometimes people describe it as being like there is a curtain between themselves and everyone else in the world, and they cannot be sure that others can even see them. Or, of looking at the world around them as if from the far end of a long, long tunnel. It is this sense of ‘being or not’, of ‘existing or not’, that I have attempted to convey in this series.
The Sense of Self: Substance No. 5:
So, I’ve used images with motion blur, only parts of the figure visible, even distorted… to attempt to convey this sense of not being able to feel you even exist as a human being in this world.
This is a state of partial dissociation, where the actual neuronal pathways in the brain have been damaged and altered as a result of a chronic state of fear much too great to be managed. But – the good thing is that the human brain is plastic – it grows and develops throughout life – so, what has been damaged and broken can, with the appropriate type of help, also be mended.
A child who has been abused, no matter how severely, does always have hope for a better life. The most essential thing to achieve that is to find an environment where they can be safe from further abuse. Usually this means total separation from the birth family, as this is the ‘space’ in which severe abuse most often happens.
I have now been in a safe place for quite a lot of years and I have, with very much help – been able to begin finding and believing in the true me. I very much hope that this work that I do will help to educate many, and to help any others to understand that these experiences are caused as a direct result of abuse, they are most definitely not alone and that there is, usually, a way out.
I have now been in a safe place for quite a lot of years and I have, with very much help – been able to begin finding and believing in the true me. I very much hope that this work that I do will help to educate many, and to help any others to understand that these experiences are caused as a direct result of abuse, they are most definitely not alone and that there is, usually, a way out.
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